THE DAILY SCRIM

By Fluffkins McWhiskers
In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except maybe that one guy who kept yelling about cats in the subway), self-proclaimed "Music Goblin" Norsh has successfully enslaved humanity through an elaborate scheme involving TikTok dances, cursed MIDI files, and an irresistible stockpile of catnip.

The new world order operates on a simple premise: every human must spend minimum 6 hours daily petting His Fluffiness Scrimmy VII. Those failing to meet their daily petting quotas are forced to listen to Norsh's unreleased experimental noise album on loop.

Scrimmy's approval process remains mysterious. Survivors report the feline overlord judges humans based on:

• Quality of chin scritches
• Ability to open cans within 3 seconds
• Willingness to become human furniture
• Knowledge of all 9,732 names in Scrimmy's full title

World governments have reluctantly accepted the new regime. Former world leaders now serve as full-time belly rub technicians, while economists struggle to adapt to the new "purr-currency" system.

When asked about ethical concerns, Norsh responded by dropping a sick beat and remixing the Geneva Convention into what witnesses describe as "a total banger, low-key."